Evening

Evening

All day storm advances

inky sky threatens

lightening shoots sparks

sunset bathes clouds

in feathery scarlet

puddles a mirage of wet colors

I sway in doubt lost in a hole 

from too close introspection 

I Need a Massage

I Need a Massage

Strong fingers working

muscles, tendons, bones

I need a knead working

muscles, tendons, bones

staff of life making bread

it begins in the nest

Against the Wall

Against the Wall

Concrete rigidity

how do I do that

against the wall

Beaten each day

against the wall

how do I do that

I fluid through it

Dusk Sky

Sky tumultuous
layers of clouds upon clouds
stack up like mountains
wisps of whites stack in front
streaks of pink against blue sky

I love clouds, love circling
around them in a plane
without mountains in Florida
clouds are my mountains
again and again

Photos

Photos

Photos capture

what otherwise might be missed

except once there were only words

and visions we held in our heads

I love having photos

I imagine the words to match

Logjams

Logjams

My life is a logjam

difficult to find sense

communing when 

synapses fail

plaques and tangles

logjam connections

struggles ensue

In the Overall

I had words in my head

to address the overall

he interrupted thought

said, “What about him if

I don’t take care of me?”

He is right as it is about

having a child again

complete responsibility

for someone else who 

depends upon me. 

In the overall is demand

and I am swimming away

from the octopus sucking

me down a dark crevasse

I had words in my head.

   

Lunch With Susan

Lunch with Susan

“You have free will,” she said.

“I do?”  “I do,” I said, a new

phenomenon for my way of 

living my life cowed by him

who tells me how it is

how it will be forever and ever

in his threatening voice and

facial grimaces and I wonder

at me and how I have endured

this for what seems like forever

still, I cower, I am at fault

for I never should have allowed

the cowing bowing down to him

I have free will, she said so.

I Feel

I Feel

I feel

round

fecund

growing

glowing

owning

I feel

I Want Him To Go To Bed

I Want Him to Go To Bed

I can’t be me when he is awake

I am who he thinks I am and yet

I disappoint him all the time for I

am not who he wants and yet he

tells me I am beautiful and smart

and how cherished I am until I 

open my mouth 

I want him to go to bed so I can

relax and be me to do whatever I do

as me whatever I am that disturbs

him and disturbs me because of him

I hope he really is in bed asleep

I hope I have the energy to be me

I am so tired now from interaction

with him it is always about him

it is always about how he is right

it is about “Quiet, I was talking!”

I try to interject while not interrupting

but the interjection is seen so and then

I want him to go to bed though I will

have to creep around to be me

In Pursuit

In Pursuit 

In pursuit of my misery

he yells and threatens

bangs on the locked door

I have to open or he will

knock it down, so he says

he accuses me of things

I have not done, didn’t do

the neighbors must hear

I am surprised the police

haven’t come as I have

been close to calling 911

Every night is a nightmare

sundowning, I believe they 

term it and it is horrific after

a lovely dinner when suddenly

Mr. Hyde appears threatening

with bodily harm and I don’t

want to be here even with my

knowledge and compassion

it becomes too hard to care

my neck hurts from fending off

from rigid fear and worry

In the morning there is loving

during the day there is friendship

he says kind words about my care

tells me I am necessary to him

and appreciates that I am here

I tell him I wouldn’t be anywhere

but here to care for him to love him

to help him on this journey we

traverse together one step at a time

the other numerous health issues

the drug trial that will arrest progress 

Evil one that I am, I’m not sure I want

him stuck where he is for it is often

unbearably hard yet how can I say no

for the future without arrest is grim

today is doable for him with quality

it is only hard for me to bare and so

I persevere to keep him whole as I

can with modern science trials that

pursue arrest 

If

If my heart lay on the floor

a tribute to self effacing 

where I was persuaded

that I was at fault in degrees

over the years

Why didn’t I change if 

I saw it that way

Why didn’t I rescue us

from that period if

locked in my singular space

I had no vision

nestled in my own reality

does that except me

Hot and Cold

Hot and Cold

It is hot and cold
each moment switches up
hot anger cold shoulder
yelling that isn't yelling
yelling that is yelling
depends upon the speaker
and the one who is hearing

It is crochet
the pick ups the skips the drops
the interweaving of communication
that can become a beautiful piece
or something impossible to unravel

I know it is my responsibility
to make it work but work it is
hugely demanding hugely difficult
when there is no longer reason
though there never was
it was always about who was right
it was always about he was right

He holds onto right with clenched fists
while he hasn't a clue from minute to minute
as to what he has done or not done
as to what I have done or not done
what day it is what time it is what plans
have come undone in this craziness

I sometimes feel I am unraveling
but I buck up for what would that get me
or us except more lost and lost is not good
yet it has gotten bad enough suddenly that
I fear for each moment what might transpire

He threatens leaving by walking out the door
that could come to no good and terrifies me
he won't let me console him pushes me away
sleeps on the couch until I wake him and take
him to bed who is melting down rapidly
after years of a gentle decline he dropped off a cliff

Night

Night

It is a lonely night

he makes accusations

I can’t answer to them

I say, “You are right.”

It is the best answer

It only heats him more

yet to deny is worse.

He’s fallen off the cliff

no reality, no sanity

it is sad, it is tense, it

is frightening to see 

how his brain is ravaged

all of a sudden unexpected

when a week ago was fine

He is grim and angry and

not rooted in reality, he thinks

things are as they are not and

I am afraid for him, for me too

in this insane circus of a brain

gone awry with plaques and

tangles and night

Stream

Stream

Words play in a glistening trough

bob and swirl through my mind

slip and slide as I try to grab

ones to convey my meaning

Turtle clock ticks minutes away

they reel out swiftly, catapult me

away from today not yet ready 

no precious time to waste

The dog wants to play 

the duck game

one of his favorites

after the squirrel game 

He pouts now as I type 

gone all evening he was alone

I alternate words with play

his life span shorter than mine

Sun sets sickle moon rises

three nights a Perseid Shower

words play in a glistening trough

if only I could put them together

Mountain Climb

I thread my way

climb the mountain

in salt crusted shoes

landscape takes

my breath away 

clouds around my head

I sit to dine on bread

gravity works against me

shadow descends

plans gone awry

I have a sense of dread

Hired Help

I get to live in the big house

not come over each day for

a paid amount

I get to cater to the Boss

Tea Garden Bridge

Tea Garden Bridge

The bridge arches steeply like a rainbow

one entrance evident the other obscured

leaves float on the stream beneath in this

fuzzy universe without sound

I See

I See

I see my ancestral 

and futuristic sides

my hands today 

are reptilian 

Stitch

Stitch

Stitch, stitch, stitch it 

all back together again

it only comes unraveled

loops fall in disarray 

colors melt into mud

hope dies to form a pattern

that will get us through the day

everything spills out on the floor

My Heart

My Heart

Stapled 

pink against

white

a Valentine

I don't bleed

I persevere

deny

anemia