Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Crocodile Tears

My Mom taunted me to save them
for when I really needed them.
Now I spill enough to bring on Noah.

I can’t stop crying, except
when I exhort a “stiff upper lip.”
Fortunately, I am good at that.

I cry and cry and cry, though I try
to keep it to when it is appropriate
like when alone or with my therapist.

I broke down sobbing all day last Monday,
my first time, called a cousin, called my brother,
my SIL, I think, now, I saved too many tears.

The answering machine blinks messages.
He begs me to bring him home to lie together
he only wants to be wrapped around me.

I picked him up to join his family for dinner
a difficult drive, again he focused on me
as though blind to their existence, painful.

My daughter drove him home, big mistake!
He tried to jump out of the car, she hurt herself
keeping him in with no place to pull off.

He raging, she got him through the door, they
took over, she was able to flee, still hurting.
His psychiatrist/neurologist says no more outings!

Visits must only be at the facility for our safety and
his.  He’s not going to like this.  I need to stay away
He has a friend, Melissa, who introduced herself at
our family dinner at the facility last night.  They kissed.

It would be sweet if they were to bond, good for all three.
They seem well on they’re way, toward bliss for them and
perhaps less daunted for me.


Ocean gone wild today
in roiling degrees of blue
confusion where man-o-war
fit right in hiding beneath
rolling crests frothing white 
then the searing sting

We shared a last feast
one sailboat rides jib south
a cabin cruiser slams north   
on this first visit since 2009
above the wind driven sea
until the next time we meet

Sweet Zach towers over me
Sweet Cody just a tad taller
Sweet Brittney a petite 5 feet
both a sad and joyous time
too many years gone too far by
hard for a scattered mind

Grandpa” knows” who they are
but his focus is on me which
pulls at my focus on them and
their focus on being with us
yet they focus on him endearingly
sadly I fear he misses it

If only, if only, if only, but maybe
if there had been more visits it
would have made this more difficult
for had the children bonded and
seen the changes rather than only
knowing intellectually who he is now

A man lost in a maze of destroyed neurons
a man a-sail with only a jib in a crazy sea
ocean gone wild in degrees of blue
where man-o-war hidden beneath sear
and all is pain and shadows and confusion

Monday, December 21, 2015


Sometimes life just gets me down
despite how good I have it.  It isn’t right
to compare myself with others who are
less fortunate in order to feel good.
Actually it makes me even sadder.

My mother taught me when I was five
not to share my sorrows with others
when asked how I was, because they
really weren’t interested.  “Just say
I’m fine thank you, and how are you?”

She would also say, “There you go
again with those great big crocodile tears,
save them for when you’re grown up and
really need them.”  Her message, “Nothing
is real until you’re grown up?”

Will adults care when I am grown up?  It
seems everyone, now, says, “I’m fine
thank you, and how are you”  “I’m fine,” I
say as I give them a big smile, whether
it’s a fine day or quite the opposite.

For a while, when down I’d pour my heart out
to a therapist so she could fix me and I
wouldn’t feel sad anymore.  Except she asked me,
“Where is your rage!" "Where are your tears?
You share the saddest things?”  

“I want to see your anger, punch this pillow!.”  It felt
phony.   “I’m fine thank you.”  “See you next week.”
I’d cry in my car all the way home.  Refresh my
make-up to greet my family with my smiling face.

Next week would never come.  

Friday, December 18, 2015


“Hey buddy can you spare a dime?”
How and when to change, and why?
Then change gets thrust in your face!
Everything becomes upside down.
Change is about growing, but it could
become the hardest thing you ever do!

Forced into change I have grown up.
Always “the little woman” I am an adult
in charge of way more than I ever knew.
I am good in my new role doing it all.
The hardest part is his misery living in
a facility.

In desperation he only wants to come home.
I tell him we are working on that, though all
who deal with him as professionals say, “No!”
It is a sad and painful journey with guilt
abounding and my sense of responsibility
weighing as I try to keep strong for both of us.

He cries, he begs, he promises he will quash
his violent outbursts and never hit me again,
never knock me down, never break another 
bone, but he threatened to run me through
with a knife that put him back in a facility
once again crying and begging for release.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015


I have to keep
reminding me
he’s not here
nor will he be

I have to keep
saying my Mantra
he’s not here over
and over again


Tuesday, December 8, 2015


What healing do you hold for me
is it olive oil to soothe my skin
or great wisdom I see within

What gifts do you bestow upon me
I am here and ready to receive
abundance for which I will dance
and cry for joy

Oh Goddess grant me rest
a deep sleep that will revive me
energy, joy and glee abounding

Let me wake refreshed or forever
soar in that boundless sea free
of worldly strife and misery


Today was Thanksgiving
the turkey moist and succulent

Can’t say much about the rest
mashed sweet potatoes that
could have been better

A splash of maple syrup or
some honey perhaps
missed out on cranberry sauce

No pi
we did not
bow our heads

But we loved one another
felt easy and free together
enjoyed good food

We parted bathed in love
we will gather often
to be free and easy

Outer Hebrides

One Hundred Nineteen Islands
there must be one perfect for me
though I do love my island here
where I still have contact with
many I love who also love me

Escape always sounds free
not fraught with various misery
but, misery can spring up
like a sponge collecting water
anywhere at all

It is within that we escape it
it takes desire  discipline and
courage, I don’t need to go to
The Outer Hebrides, I can just

stay home, relax and enjoy