Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Crocodile Tears

My Mom taunted me to save them
for when I really needed them.
Now I spill enough to bring on Noah.

I can’t stop crying, except
when I exhort a “stiff upper lip.”
Fortunately, I am good at that.

I cry and cry and cry, though I try
to keep it to when it is appropriate
like when alone or with my therapist.

I broke down sobbing all day last Monday,
my first time, called a cousin, called my brother,
my SIL, I think, now, I saved too many tears.

The answering machine blinks messages.
He begs me to bring him home to lie together
he only wants to be wrapped around me.

I picked him up to join his family for dinner
a difficult drive, again he focused on me
as though blind to their existence, painful.

My daughter drove him home, big mistake!
He tried to jump out of the car, she hurt herself
keeping him in with no place to pull off.

He raging, she got him through the door, they
took over, she was able to flee, still hurting.
His psychiatrist/neurologist says no more outings!

Visits must only be at the facility for our safety and
his.  He’s not going to like this.  I need to stay away
He has a friend, Melissa, who introduced herself at
our family dinner at the facility last night.  They kissed.

It would be sweet if they were to bond, good for all three.
They seem well on they’re way, toward bliss for them and
perhaps less daunted for me.


Family

Ocean gone wild today
in roiling degrees of blue
confusion where man-o-war
fit right in hiding beneath
rolling crests frothing white 
then the searing sting

We shared a last feast
one sailboat rides jib south
a cabin cruiser slams north   
on this first visit since 2009
above the wind driven sea
until the next time we meet

Sweet Zach towers over me
Sweet Cody just a tad taller
Sweet Brittney a petite 5 feet
both a sad and joyous time
too many years gone too far by
hard for a scattered mind

Grandpa” knows” who they are
but his focus is on me which
pulls at my focus on them and
their focus on being with us
yet they focus on him endearingly
sadly I fear he misses it

If only, if only, if only, but maybe
if there had been more visits it
would have made this more difficult
for had the children bonded and
seen the changes rather than only
knowing intellectually who he is now

A man lost in a maze of destroyed neurons
a man a-sail with only a jib in a crazy sea
ocean gone wild in degrees of blue
where man-o-war hidden beneath sear
and all is pain and shadows and confusion


Monday, December 21, 2015

Stuck

Sometimes life just gets me down
despite how good I have it.  It isn’t right
to compare myself with others who are
less fortunate in order to feel good.
Actually it makes me even sadder.

My mother taught me when I was five
not to share my sorrows with others
when asked how I was, because they
really weren’t interested.  “Just say
I’m fine thank you, and how are you?”

She would also say, “There you go
again with those great big crocodile tears,
save them for when you’re grown up and
really need them.”  Her message, “Nothing
is real until you’re grown up?”

Will adults care when I am grown up?  It
seems everyone, now, says, “I’m fine
thank you, and how are you”  “I’m fine,” I
say as I give them a big smile, whether
it’s a fine day or quite the opposite.


For a while, when down I’d pour my heart out
to a therapist so she could fix me and I
wouldn’t feel sad anymore.  Except she asked me,
“Where is your rage!" "Where are your tears?
You share the saddest things?”  

“I want to see your anger, punch this pillow!.”  It felt
phony.   “I’m fine thank you.”  “See you next week.”
I’d cry in my car all the way home.  Refresh my
make-up to greet my family with my smiling face.

Next week would never come.  

Friday, December 18, 2015

Change

“Hey buddy can you spare a dime?”
How and when to change, and why?
Then change gets thrust in your face!
Everything becomes upside down.
Change is about growing, but it could
become the hardest thing you ever do!

Forced into change I have grown up.
Always “the little woman” I am an adult
in charge of way more than I ever knew.
I am good in my new role doing it all.
The hardest part is his misery living in
a facility.

In desperation he only wants to come home.
I tell him we are working on that, though all
who deal with him as professionals say, “No!”
It is a sad and painful journey with guilt
abounding and my sense of responsibility
weighing as I try to keep strong for both of us.

He cries, he begs, he promises he will quash
his violent outbursts and never hit me again,
never knock me down, never break another 
bone, but he threatened to run me through
with a knife that put him back in a facility
once again crying and begging for release.


Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Remembering

I have to keep
reminding me
he’s not here
nor will he be

I have to keep
saying my Mantra
he’s not here over
and over again


I

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Amaphora

What healing do you hold for me
is it olive oil to soothe my skin
or great wisdom I see within

What gifts do you bestow upon me
I am here and ready to receive
abundance for which I will dance
and cry for joy

Oh Goddess grant me rest
a deep sleep that will revive me
energy, joy and glee abounding

Let me wake refreshed or forever
soar in that boundless sea free
of worldly strife and misery



Being

Today was Thanksgiving
the turkey moist and succulent
tender

Can’t say much about the rest
mashed sweet potatoes that
could have been better

A splash of maple syrup or
some honey perhaps
missed out on cranberry sauce

No pi
we did not
bow our heads

But we loved one another
felt easy and free together
enjoyed good food

We parted bathed in love
we will gather often
to be free and easy

Outer Hebrides

One Hundred Nineteen Islands
there must be one perfect for me
though I do love my island here
where I still have contact with
many I love who also love me

Escape always sounds free
not fraught with various misery
but, misery can spring up
like a sponge collecting water
anywhere at all

It is within that we escape it
it takes desire  discipline and
courage, I don’t need to go to
The Outer Hebrides, I can just

stay home, relax and enjoy

Sunday, November 22, 2015

War

I do not understand war
killing, maiming, loved lost
be they killers or victims

I do not get weapons used
by armies whatever the 
grievances must it be blood

Can’t there be counsels to
etch out plans for how we
can all live together in peace

This warring world makes
me cry and horrifies me
WHY do we kill one another

The killings seem to be mounting
in the name of religion and I can’t
see anything religious about it

We began together yet separated
into three tribes all not that different
so why are we killing each other

Why can’t we make peace and raise
up from horror and bloodshed 
raise our children free from war

Raise our children not to war
when will we respect differences
which are not so different

My heart breaks this bloody world
so many lives displaced so many

lives unnecessarily lost

War

I do not understand war
killing, maiming, loved lost
be they killers or victims

I do not get weapons used
by armies whatever the 
grievances must it be blood

Can’t there be counsels to
etch out plans for how we
can all live together in peace

This warring world makes
me cry and horrifies me
WHY do we kill one another

The killings seem to be mounting
in the name of religion and I can’t
see anything religious about it

We began together yet separated
into three tribes all not that different
so why are we killing each other

Why can’t we make peace and raise
up from horror and bloodshed 
raise our children free from war

Raise our children not to war
when will we respect differences
which are not so different

My heart breaks this bloody world
so many lives displaced so many

lives unnecessarily lost

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Do I have a Poem in Me?

Is what I write poetry?
I think I might fail before
those who are brilliant.


I need to be a better student
verses writing off the cuff
then not editing.

It just comes to me
but can definitely be improved
my poet friends all revise.

I just send it out there bold
and perhaps too much ego

revision is tantamount.

Friday, November 6, 2015

In This While

I prefer to sit outside
listen to night sounds
that thrill me

Life precious sings
in my Cypress Swamp
where birds call me

I love this while


Sunday, October 18, 2015

He Says

You are so fucking angry
I am angry, I confess and
I feel so guilty for my anger
for he is not at fault

He can’t help needing me
to do everything for him, no
sharing as in the past when
he would cook

Now he can’t make a sandwich
he can’t dress himself
and now he went to bed angry
that I wasn’t joining him

I am grateful the noise of the TV
is off and he is no longer calling
to me, or so I hope for just a bit
as I try to sink into relaxation

Everyday drains me down to
barest ability to keep on doing
so much that he demands, I

there is no I, it is all about him
Broken

I’m broken
my husband
taken down by
Alzheimer’s

It is so hard
killer for me too
as his spouse
his caregiver

Demand huge
each minute of
everyday as  I
try and try

I lose it sometimes
he is highly demanding
it feels like insanity
dementia

The definition that fits
is impossible reasoning
as he calls and calls to me
all day long

I answer and answer
all day long to assuage him
I am exhausted as he calls
again and again to me


Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Danny Exiting, Erika Coming On

Rumbles quiver through air
slice atoms they pound
electric I love a storm, but
not too big a storm, though
I am enthralled with danger
all day rumbles, I wait for
the slice of sizzle and bang



Monday, August 17, 2015

SEFL

Hot I jot

Hot my day
in vast array

Sealed in
I can't get

Away

I'm stuck

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Rich

So many riches
it bogles my mind
     and yet
How many more

might there be?

Monday, August 10, 2015

Sunset

Glistens my trees
raindrops on my windows
crystals in many colors
Sun set blinds me in
myriad considerations
dapples my vision 




Storm

Black sky rumbling
lightening bolts, he
pushes and pushes
I try to stand up

I concede, let it go
the storm abates
breakers gentle
waves catch moonlight

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Hi

Could it be
In a Swasy Day
I did diddle about
looking for connection
but there was no one about
could it be they don’t like me?

Too cool, I like me, though
I do run against foes I am
stalwart in a Swasy Day

Could’t it be I consort
with all the wrong types

Could’t it be?

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Coming Home

I want to do whatever it TAKES
to make it all right   yet it is out
of my hands.  I don't have the where with all

to be capable of this
I am severely worn out

I know what I must do
it isn't easy. it won't be easy



Sunday, July 19, 2015

Mixed

I went to read poetry
I went to hear poetry
I went to survive

Reading scares me
to open myself wide
I want to survive

Now I need to hide
hibernate within me
Staunch

I am the lion at the Manhattan Library
I am the one on the right looking left
for the second coming of a savior, but
saviors have their flaws
I would not want to get miss led!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I Must Go To Bed

He demands it
I think he feels
lost at sea
his brain gone
he needs me near
yet I am near
all day long
he is on top of me
I need a little time

just for me
Unhappiness Rules

Anger, hostility, mayhem
insanity keeps me off balance
no respite for he refuses
he’s not like the other ones

Each day constant demands
questions, needs, invasions
of my private space that I
give up freely over and over

There are considerations
as to what I can do
I am not ready to do
anything but keep him home


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

He

350. Org!

It is hot, hot, hot
everyday since May

We went swimming
 ocean already warm

We are in a drought
big storms  promised rain

We get lightening and fires
very little rain  I water daily

We are lucky, no tornados
we're not in a flood zone

The oceans are heating up
hurricanes are our worry

Meanwhile we pump C02
into the atmosphere burning

fossile fuels 350 ppm optimum
we are at 400 ppm thus storms

Bigger than ever before with a
few exceptions

I bought a hybrid  I recycle
to the exstreme  I avoid waste

This beautiful gem of a planet
comprised by neglect and greed

Can we save Earth?  If not can
we save ourselves?

I don't have a space ship
it's purported some do

Where will it take them?
This beauty is all we've got!







It's Quiet Now

He's gone to bed
steered to rest  I
promised to join
just a bit of time
to write a poem
or two or three
if they are in me

Gun Shots

Gun Shots

Through my brain
leave me dazed
each hit aimed to
maim my peace

Over and over
shots again and
again through me
I have holes 

My life force spills
over a damn place
tears bottled inside
my heart bursting


Saturday, July 11, 2015

I Feel So Free

Late in the night
I am writing poetry
no one tries to
hustle me to bed

There is no pressure
the night alive and I
don’t have to go to 

Bed, where we snuggle
down into strange dreams
wake tired as when we
went to bed, while the ice
drops and makes me think


He’s still after me

Sunday, July 5, 2015

I

I had
a poem
in my head
it was erased

I float now searching
but I can't find it and
I rue such moments

The wind is pulling
at the hurricane shutters
I feel an eerie presence

Eerie feels comforting
in a self-destructive way









Friday, June 26, 2015

This Blank Page

Hoe to get through
each day a hazard

Where have we come
in sixty years



Beauty and Beast

I am lovely and kind
though I don’t always
have the best thoughts

Dragon love scares me
Alpha invader attacks me
takes over my life

Everyday is a challenge
to find freedom from
numerous onslaughts

It is time to give it up
how much can one do
to stave off the misery









Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Locations
     Options
Insider
     Outsider
Downsider

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Last Rays

Great Blue
over the roof
gold glides

I’ve never been stuck in this room before!

Slats closed against setting sun
sun still steels through everything
the heat’s on, the shadows cooling
now its pinking down
soft and gentle


Sunday, June 14, 2015

The Sky

So many layers
I observe from
morning through
afternoon, evening
into night

Now night the sky
so many layers
ink and clouds
catching white
it moves the sky


Weed

I weed through the day
pulling away unwanted thistles
that stick to my clothes
I love to garden

I weed away mellow
in my pursuit to tug
unwanted offenders
that crop up everywhere

They are takeovers
our prized plants choked
I feel like a slum lord




Thursday, June 4, 2015

Crisis 350

Once called global warming
now the moniker is climate change
whatever the name it forebodes badly

Too much C02 in the atmosphere
350 parts per million is optimum
400ppm is what we have now

severe climactic events abound
around the world we must stop
burning fossil fuels to  survive

The industries only want to keep on
producing toxic levels of carbons
it is their easiest profit margins

We are melting, seas rising 
storms the like of which we’ve seen
storms like we’ve never seen before

Take up the cudgel world, we MUST END
this severe threat to life as we know it
a threat that could end all life

In honor of Bill McKibben 350.org




Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Splay

As it all splays
before us
reluctantly
we engage
there is no other
way


Dam

River
courses
down
concrete
spools
beneath
lake


Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Lights' On

It has been unusually hot
El Nino portends badly
am I drawing on it?

I roam between opposites
its always exciting to visit
La Nina sweetly portends

I think "it" is coming on
Along

Along the halls
who the hell are we
voting for

I think there is no one
where have we come

our values undone

It is all special interests
complex securities
for all who serve

All their special interests
compounding as we go
impounding other values




 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Holidays

Holidays

Holidays 
always 
set us up

Yet we 
never give
them up

We gather
we work
the group

We leaf
them away

until later