Crocodile Tears

My Mom taunted me to save them

for when I really needed them.

Now I spill enough to bring on Noah.

I can’t stop crying, except

when I exhort a “stiff upper lip.”

Fortunately, I am good at that.

I cry and cry and cry, though I try

to keep it to when it is appropriate

like when alone or with my therapist.

I broke down sobbing all day last Monday,

my first time, called a cousin, called my brother,

my SIL, I think, now, I saved too many tears.

The answering machine blinks messages.

He begs me to bring him home to lie together

he only wants to be wrapped around me.

I picked him up to join his family for dinner

a difficult drive, again he focused on me

as though blind to their existence, painful.

My daughter drove him home, big mistake!

He tried to jump out of the car, she hurt herself

keeping him in with no place to pull off.

He raging, she got him through the door, they

took over, she was able to flee, still hurting.

His psychiatrist/neurologist says no more outings!

Visits must only be at the facility for our safety and

his.  He’s not going to like this.  I need to stay away

He has a friend, Melissa, who introduced herself at

our family dinner at the facility last night.  They kissed.

It would be sweet if they were to bond, good for all three.

They seem well on they’re way, toward bliss for them and

perhaps less daunted for me.

Family

Ocean gone wild today

in roiling degrees of blue

confusion where man-o-war

fit right in hiding beneath

rolling crests frothing white 

then the searing sting

We shared a last feast

one sailboat rides jib south

a cabin cruiser slams north   

on this first visit since 2009

above the wind driven sea

until the next time we meet

Sweet Zach towers over me

Sweet Cody just a tad taller

Sweet Brittney a petite 5 feet

both a sad and joyous time

too many years gone too far by

hard for a scattered mind

Grandpa” knows” who they are

but his focus is on me which

pulls at my focus on them and

their focus on being with us

yet they focus on him endearingly

sadly I fear he misses it

If only, if only, if only, but maybe

if there had been more visits it

would have made this more difficult

for had the children bonded and

seen the changes rather than only

knowing intellectually who he is now

A man lost in a maze of destroyed neurons

a man a-sail with only a jib in a crazy sea

ocean gone wild in degrees of blue

where man-o-war hidden beneath sear

and all is pain and shadows and confusion

Stuck

Sometimes life just gets me down

despite how good I have it.  It isn’t right

to compare myself with others who are

less fortunate in order to feel good.

Actually it makes me even sadder.

My mother taught me when I was five

not to share my sorrows with others

when asked how I was, because they

really weren’t interested.  “Just say

I’m fine thank you, and how are you?”

She would also say, “There you go

again with those great big crocodile tears,

save them for when you’re grown up and

really need them.”  Her message, “Nothing

is real until you’re grown up?”

Will adults care when I am grown up?  It

seems everyone, now, says, “I’m fine

thank you, and how are you”  “I’m fine,” I

say as I give them a big smile, whether

it’s a fine day or quite the opposite.

For a while, when down I’d pour my heart out

to a therapist so she could fix me and I

wouldn’t feel sad anymore.  Except she asked me,

“Where is your rage!" "Where are your tears?

You share the saddest things?”  

“I want to see your anger, punch this pillow!.”  It felt

phony.   “I’m fine thank you.”  “See you next week.”

I’d cry in my car all the way home.  Refresh my

make-up to greet my family with my smiling face.

Next week would never come.  

Change

“Hey buddy can you spare a dime?”

How and when to change, and why?

Then change gets thrust in your face!

Everything becomes upside down.

Change is about growing, but it could

become the hardest thing you ever do!

Forced into change I have grown up.

Always “the little woman” I am an adult

in charge of way more than I ever knew.

I am good in my new role doing it all.

The hardest part is his misery living in

a facility.

In desperation he only wants to come home.

I tell him we are working on that, though all

who deal with him as professionals say, “No!”

It is a sad and painful journey with guilt

abounding and my sense of responsibility

weighing as I try to keep strong for both of us.

He cries, he begs, he promises he will quash

his violent outbursts and never hit me again,

never knock me down, never break another 

bone, but he threatened to run me through

with a knife that put him back in a facility

once again crying and begging for release.

Remembering

I have to keep

reminding me

he’s not here

nor will he be

I have to keep

saying my Mantra

he’s not here over

and over again

I

Amaphora

What healing do you hold for me
is it olive oil to soothe my skin
or great wisdom I see within

What gifts do you bestow upon me
I am here and ready to receive
abundance for which I will dance
and cry for joy

Oh Goddess grant me rest
a deep sleep that will revive me
energy, joy and glee abounding

Let me wake refreshed or forever
soar in that boundless sea free
of worldly strife and misery

Being

Today was Thanksgiving
the turkey moist and succulent
tender

Can’t say much about the rest
mashed sweet potatoes that
could have been better

A splash of maple syrup or
some honey perhaps
missed out on cranberry sauce

No pi
we did not
bow our heads

But we loved one another
felt easy and free together
enjoyed good food

We parted bathed in love
we will gather often
to be free and easy

Outer Hebrides

One Hundred Nineteen Islands

there must be one perfect for me

though I do love my island here

where I still have contact with

many I love who also love me

Escape always sounds free

not fraught with various misery

but, misery can spring up

like a sponge collecting water

anywhere at all

It is within that we escape it

it takes desire  discipline and

courage, I don’t need to go to

The Outer Hebrides, I can just

stay home, relax and enjoy